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 \secstar{Hospital Log 1}
 \vskip 2pt
 
-On Monday 4th october I got diagnosed with a case of Acute Lymphoblastic Luckhemia 
-(I didn't know it till thursday). after 12 days, I am in one of the best places in
- india for haematology related treatments and is sitting in a room worth rs 2k a day
- with AC/TV/attached bath/nurses on call and to top it, complete room service.
+On Monday, the 4^{th} of October, I got diagnosed with a case of Acute Lymphoblastic Luckhemia 
+(I didn't know it till Thursday). After 12 days, I find myself in one of the best places in
+ India for haematology related treatments and am sitting in a room worth Rupees 2k a day
+ with AC/TV/attached, bath/nurses on call and to top it, complete room service.
 
-The words and worries of others who love us and still don't have the slightest idea
+The words and worries of others who love us and still not having the slightest idea of
  who I am is always an interesting problem. To start with, I am writing down some of
- my thoughts. Don't know whether to publish or not, but its not my immediate concern,
- I have lot of unpublished works in my documents folder :)
+ my thoughts. Don't know whether to publish or not, but it is not my immediate concern,
+ I have a lot of unpublished works in my documents folder :)
 
 \subsection*{The question of being moody} 
 
-Everyone is saying don't feel depressed or sad or moody. Treatment is difficult, it 
-will turn your physiology upside down for sometime. It does costs a lot and some 
-estimates put it at as much as 20lakh. But, actually in mind i am relieved. Why? May 
-be its the mentality of scientist inside me who doesn't like unknown variables. I loved
+Everyone tells us not to feel depressed or sad or moody. Treatment is difficult, it 
+will turn your physiology upside down for sometime. It does cost a lot and some 
+estimates put it at as much as 20 lakhs. But actually in mind, I am relieved. Why? May 
+be it is because of the mentality of the scientist inside me who doesn't like unknown variables. I loved
  it when I was diagnosed with Lukhemia. I at least have a diagnosis. I should say I 
 felt like Dr.Gregory House in House M.D. To be frank, I didn't even stop to think whether
  it is life threatening or not, I was so happy that I had a diagnosable issue which was 
-creating all that stupid or weird pains on my thighs,legs and my general loss of appettite.
+creating all that stupid or weird pains on my thighs, legs and my general loss of appetite.
 
-Still I don't have anything to get moody here. From nurses and doctors reactions, I guess
+Still, I don't have anything to get moody about here. From both the nurses' and the doctors' reactions, I guess
 I am one of the happiest patients they have. I think it will be difficult for them to 
 imagine someone who is confined to a room 24 hrs a day (I can walk through corridors of
- 8th floor) be happy. But the fact is, its not new to me. I have all the experience in 
-the world in doing this. Being lethargic and making an organized lethargic behaviour of
-solitary life inside a room. So, I am kind of not moody at all. There is nothing new in it,
-I hear all the news I do call people, I am online, my father is around for any help (he might
-be getting bored). If not nurses will be there. But most people don't understand this. The
-idea of socialising without really being in society is a difficult thing for many to think, 
-gasp and understand. They believe in showing support but the problem is how to show it. My 
+ 8^{th} floor) being happy. But the fact is, it is not new to me. I have all the experience in 
+the world in doing this. Being lethargic and making an organized lethargic behavior of
+solitary life inside a room. So, I am kind of not moody at all. There is nothing new to it,
+I hear all the news, I do call people, I am online, my father is around for any help (he might
+be getting bored). If not, nurses will be there. But most people don't understand this. The
+idea of socializing without really being in society is a difficult thing for many to think, 
+grasp and understand. They believe in showing support. However, the problem is how to show it. My 
 friends back in Hyderabad understand me. They know what I want, will get the things done for
 me, so that system will run smoothly. 
 
 \subsection*{``Don't you get bored?'' or ``You are bored eh?''} 
 
-I think it is a question anyone who is in treatment of diseases like this will encounter. 
+I think it is a question anyone who is undergoing treatment for diseases like this will encounter. 
 Especially when you are having a good social life. For people who know me, I don't think it
-will be a surprise that I don't feel much bored, when confined to a room. I have done it before.
+will be a surprise when I say that I don't feel much bored, when confined to a room. I have done it before.
 Just for the sake of being lazy. My social status is that of a guy who fits in everywhere. So 
-everyone will miss me and don't miss me at the same time. Still interestingly I do have an active
-social life, with calls to parties in weekends/birthday celebrations/or whatever. Why? Someone
-with a ponytail walking around in half or 3/4 trousers and t-shirts and ready to dress up and 
+everyone will miss me as well as not miss me at the same time. Still, interestingly, I do have an active
+social life, with calls to parties in weekends, birthday celebrations or whatever. Why? Someone
+with a ponytail walking around half dressed or 3/4 trousers and t-shirts and ready to dress up and 
 go for night outs is an urban youth. Then, in parties, it all comes down to money, and for 
-someone who spends all his stipent and doesn't save anything, its not difficult to get invites
-:) Still I don't party much because, I don't like dancing and my idea of party is usually a good
-food in a restaurant or a nice bar with lots of alchohol (I do drink). Still I do get invites
-for the just opposite ends of discussions too. Still the question people might ask is, don't
-your labmates or friends miss you when you are away for like 6 months or more :) May be, I don't
-know. Still there is not much to miss about me there since my presence there is still felt. I do
-talk to some of them, I am available on phone on the same number, also I am online once in a while
+someone who spends all his stipend and doesn't save anything, its not difficult to get invites
+:) Still I don't party much because I don't like dancing, and my idea of party is usually a good
+food in a restaurant or a nice bar with lots of alcohol (I do drink). Still I do get invites
+for just the opposite ends of discussions too. Still the question people might ask is, ``don't
+your lab mates or friends miss you when you are away for, like 6 months or more?'' :) May be. I don't
+know. Still there is not much to miss about me since my presence there is still felt. I do
+talk to some of them, I am available on phone on the same number, and also I am online once in a while
 through GPRS :) May be they will miss my physical presence of 5 foot 6 inches and pony tail. But
-thats not much to miss. When you think about it, some of my best friends are still people who I
+that is not much to miss. When you think about it, some of my best friends are still people who I
 haven't met yet :) 
 
 \subsection*{``Question of concern!''} 
 
-"Why aren't you concerned?". Like losing 6 months, an entire year in MS because of the half 
-semester split for diagnosis, change in life(may be entire life), etc. Still no idea whether my
+"Why aren't you concerned?". Like aren't I concerned about losing 6 months, an entire year in MS because of the half 
+semester split for diagnosis, change in life (may be entire life), etc. Still no idea whether my
 ALL is L2 or L3 and all these are a matter of worry. The thing people don't understand is, I 
-don't live life in normalcy. If I had, I might not be doing an MS in IIIT Hyderabad. I do 
-calculate, when numbers doesn't fall in places I want them, I will just check where they are 
+don't live life in normalcy. If I had, I might not be doing an MS in IIT Hyderabad. I do 
+calculate, when the numbers do not fall in places that I want them to, I will just check where they are 
 falling and try to adjust my parameters accordingly. It might be difficult to understand. But
-thats what I do. There are no unexpected turns of events in life. Everything is normal because
+that is what I do. There are no unexpected turn of events in life. Everything is normal because
 they are not.
 
 Systems are made to put people in a mechanized way of functioning. When you are used to a system,
-it will be very difficult or depressing to get out of it and be part of another. But for people
-who understands that its the system which controls them, hop from one system to another is very
-easy. Especially when the change from a lonely hostel room in IIIT,Hyderabad to a room in CMC 
+it will be very difficult or depressing to get out of it and to be a part of another. But for people
+who understands that it is the system which controls them, hopping from one system to another is very
+easy. Especially when the change from a lonely hostel room in IIT, Hyderabad to a room in CMC 
 Vellore with father is not that path breaking. 
 
 I might not do the same things here. There I watch movies most the time, follow all the US serials
 I like, do some research and studies in between, go out and have biriyani once in a while or order
-in a pizza if I feel to get spent money. Here, I have different routine, different style, like 
+in a pizza if I feel to get some money spent. Here, I have a different routine, different style, like 
 when I go home. I hop from that to this easily because I don't do the same thing at both places.
-I might read a research paper or two in my house, but I wont be the same 24/7 online guy at home.
-Thats the same in hospital too. I will just fix the numbers to keep the balance intact. The aim 
-is survival and to survive sometimes we have to reinvent what we understand. Now I have enough
-time to reinvent the system I was a part of for last 3 years, I can go in as a new person 
-(hopefully). System is not changing I am not changing but a break from system gives you time 
-to understand where were you losing ground.
-
-Interestingly enough, that do give a positive approach the whole thing. I have nothing to get 
-concerned about, except may be financials. Which I am quite sure is a waste of time. I can have 
-concerns on how bad my lukhemia is, but again thats another waste of time once you decide
-to go for treatment. Concern on how will I complete my MS will be my last since, if treatment
-works I will get enough time to go for finishing the studies. If my ALL is life threatening
+I might read a research paper or two in my house, but I won't be the same 24/7 online guy at home.
+That goes for the hospital too. I will just fix the numbers to keep the balance intact. The aim 
+is survival and to survive, sometimes we have to reinvent what we understand. Now I have enough
+time to reinvent the system I was a part of for the last 3 years. I can go in as a new person 
+(hopefully). The system is not changing and I am not changing too. But a break from the system gives you time 
+to understand where you were losing your ground.
+
+Interestingly enough, that does give a positive approach to the whole thing. I have nothing to be 
+concerned about, except may be financials, Which I am quite sure is a waste of time. I can have 
+concerns on how bad my lukhemia is, but the again that is another waste of time once you decide
+to go for treatment. Concern on how I would complete my MS will be my last since, if treatment
+works, I will get enough time to go for finishing the studies. If my ALL is life threatening
 and I am not responding well, there is no point in thinking about that.
 
-My life in Hyderabad will change. May be dramatically since, when you are taking medicine 
-everyday you will follow a routine and once you start doing that, you will never be the free
-spirit people used to see. But its just a change from a lethargic MS student to normal 
-MS student. Which again is positive. Yeah I will defnitely have difficulty with some details 
-on life. May be my social life will change, but I don't think it will bother me as much 
+My life in Hyderabad will change. May be dramatically because, when you are taking medicine 
+everyday, you will follow a routine and once you start doing that, you will never be the free
+spirit people used to see. But it is just a change from a lethargic MS student to a normal 
+MS student, which again is positive. Yeah, I will definitely have difficulty with some details 
+on life. It may be that my social life will change, but I don't think it will bother me as much 
 as it bothers everyone else.
 
 \subsection*{Question of "getting impatient about the details"} 
 
-Everyone wants to know what kind of lukhemia it is. What I know is its just Acute 
-Lymphoblastic Lukhemia. Then they want to know whether it is life threatening. I do believe 
-it is. Then next question is the stage and I don't know which stage it is. I don't really know 
+Everyone wants to know what kind of lukhemia it is that I have. What I know is that it is just Acute 
+Lymphoblastic Lukhemia. Then they want to know whether it is life threatening or not. I do believe 
+it is. Then next question is about the stage and I don't know which stage it is in. I don't really know 
 how lukhemias are staged. I guess they are not staged as per time, but according to the types. 
 Some of them make genetic mutation and there is ALL with genetic mutation, which is somewhat 
-dangerous. I do have one with a genetic mutation. But I am not the expert on what it is and 
+dangerous. I do have one with a genetic mutation. But I am not an expert on what it is and 
 how it is. People think diagnosing lukhemia, its types, then understanding details is like 
-diagnosing a normal blunt wound or common cold. It is not, there is a larger scientific process 
-involved and there is no point in getting impatient. But interestingly, only me who is not 
+diagnosing a normal blunt wound or common cold. It is not. There is a larger scientific process 
+involved and there is no point in getting impatient. But interestingly, only me, who is not 
 supposed to understand it, understands this detail.
 
-I am a researcher. My job is to conduct experiments get results, analyze them and crunch them 
-to make them reveal whats there hiding inside. So, amazingly, when doctors say they need to do 
-more tests, I do understand. I always have to run new experiments to find out the working system 
-and for me, breaking a system didn't even matter but for doctors who work in these kind of 
-situations its not like that. They can't screw up, I was allowed to. More importantly, having 
-a result and analyzing it is not the same. There is a huge difference between two. Results are 
+I am a researcher. My job is to conduct experiments, get results, analyze them and crunch them 
+to make them reveal what is there hiding inside. So, amazingly, when doctors say that they need to do 
+more tests, I do understand. I always have to run new experiments to find out about the working system 
+and for me, breaking a system didn't even matter. However for doctors who work in these kind of 
+situations, its not like that. They can't screw up whereas I was allowed to. More importantly, having 
+a result and analyzing it is not the same. There is a huge difference between the two. Results are 
 usually just blunt numbers which are weighed against the vital or normal parameters. They 
 don't reveal anything. No X-Ray, MRI, CT reveals anything unless you know how to read it. It 
-will be same as me giving you numbers of my SVM-feature study experiments. To draw conclusions, 
-there is a need for prior understanding. Total control and know how of what is normal and 
-importantly eyes to see the anomalies. 
+will be the same as me giving you numbers of my SVM-feature study experiments. To draw conclusions, 
+there is a need for prior understanding. Total control and know how of what is normal and more 
+importantly, eyes to see the anomalies. 
 
-When you have a genetic study done, I do believe it shows a million possibilities and proper 
+When you have a genetic study done, I do believe it shows a million possibilities and the proper 
 understanding of my life and ways are important for doctors (including how I react to different 
-medicines). Like to the first dose of chemo, I did good. I might not do that for next. They didn't
-give another medicine because some detail of my body was not right. Then a report came and 
-they decided to drop medicine all together and start a new one. It happens. I have done it on 
-my systems, there is no strict code of conduct when you work on situations like this, it changes 
-as you see results. The total idea of protocol for 2 years is same but medicines might not. Only 
-generic cases it remains same. 
-
-I don't know, but think genetic mutations don't happen as per lamarkian principles but on darwin's 
-theories (there was a recent news on lamarkian effects of genes too, haven't read in detail). 
-So, if I had this problem, I guess it was there for last 24 years (not sure will ask my doctor 
-to confirm). It is not a disease outside my body, its a change in my system from normal one. My 
+medicines). Like how I reacted well to the first dose of chemo. I might not do that for the next. They didn't
+give another dose of the medicine because some detail regarding my body was not right. Then a report came in and 
+they decided to drop the medicines all together and start a new one. It happens. I have done it on 
+my systems. There is no strict code of conduct when you work on situations like this. It changes 
+as you see results. The entire idea of protocol for 2 years will be the same. However, in the case of medicines, it might not be so. Only for 
+generic cases does it remain the same. 
+
+I don't really know, but I think genetic mutations don't happen as per lamarkian principles but on darwin's 
+theories (there was a recent news on lamarkian effects of genes too, haven't read that in detail). 
+So, if I had this problem, I guess it was there for the last 24 years (not sure, will ask my doctor 
+to confirm). It is not a disease outside my body but a change in my system from the normal being. My 
 body is built to have this mutation and it will be difficult to make it believe it is not. It 
-feels a tedious task and not an easy one, so no point in getting impatient and I don't believe in 
+feels like a tedious task and not an easy one, so no point in getting impatient and I don't believe in 
 a complete cure in this case (if it is like this). I am not sure whether someone else will 
-understand this the sameway. If they do, great, if not I can't say anything. There are 
-possibilities, chances, drugs, treatments, but that doesn't mean its final and curable. The 
-word cure might not even be right in case of cancer since we are not sure whether we are curing 
+understand this the same way. If they do, great, and if not, I can't say anything. There are 
+possibilities, chances, drugs, treatments, but none of that  means it is final and curable. The 
+word cure might not even be appropriate in case of cancer since we are not sure whether we are curing 
 or breaking :)
 
-The way to results is always through continuous aggression of experiments and thoughts. Keeping 
-up to date is always a big part of it. Where I was lagging for sometime is keeping upto date. 
-As my professor pointed out a week before I left for treatment, I need to increase my reading. 
+The way to obtaining results is always through continuous aggression of experiments and thoughts. Keeping 
+up to date is always a big part of it. Where I was lagging for sometime, now I am keeping upto date. 
+As my professor pointed out a week before I left for treatment, I needed to increase my reading. 
 These six or so months are a good chance for that. 
 
-The problem is, people don't like ambiguities and half answers, when it concerns life and death. 
-But after being part of world of probablities, pattern recognition and machine learning, the thing 
-I understand is, you can never avoid it. Start of a treatment doesn't guarantee full diagnosis. 
-Its just means that the beginning of treatment is same. Its easy for me to understand since, 
-datasets don't change for experiments. For entirely different experiments, we can use same dataset 
-may be we will use different annotations or labels. There will be ambiguities and half answers, 
+The problem is, people don't like ambiguities and half answers when it concerns life and death. 
+But after being a part of the world of probabilities, pattern recognition and machine learning, the thing 
+I understand is, you can never avoid it. Starting of a treatment doesn't guarantee full diagnosis. 
+It just means that the beginning of the treatment is the same. It is easy for me to understand this since, 
+datasets don't change for experiments. For entirely different experiments, we can use the same datasets, 
+may be with different annotations or labels. There will be ambiguities and half answers, 
 like "it is ALL and no idea which type". People don't understand that diagnosing from lukhemia to 
-the farthest details of its reach is a big process. There is no direct answer for patients queries 
-like "How bad am I?". It is depends. Something can be predicted but not all. The treatment is not 
-straight forward and its little scary, but what to do, whole life is like that. At least do it 
+the farthest details of its reach is a big process. There is no direct answer for patients' queries 
+like "How bad am I?". It depends. Something can be predicted but not everything. The treatment is not 
+straight forward and it is a little scary, but what to do, our whole life is like that. At least do it 
 when we can afford it. 
 
 \subsection*{Question of Life} 
 
-Then usually comes the question of, life. How it will change your future. Usually I will give a 
-blunt answer saying I don't care about it. My future is my concern and what I am more concerned now 
+Then usually comes the question of life. How it will change your future. Usually I will give a 
+blunt answer saying that I don't care about it. My future is my concern and what I am more concerned now 
 is of being present. Still my outlook on future is always loose, I do want to make money to live (now 
 I have to since, the treatment if it goes on like this might put a visible liability of some lakhs 
-on me). I always keep options, I was on the verge of start working for an NGO in "No UID" campaign 
-since I want to mark my presence in the scence. May be now I can put little more time into that. Can 
-read some stuff get details, use my expertise and contacts in pattern recognition academia in India
-(believe it or not, I have friends in some good institutes :) ). May be I can write more regualarly 
-for malayal.am. I missed two races while I was not well, can try to report the rest and publish. 
+on me). I always keep my options open. I was on the verge of starting to work for an NGO in "No UID" campaign 
+since I want to mark my presence in the scene. May be now I can put a little more time into that. Can 
+read up some stuff and get the details, use my expertise and contacts in pattern recognition academia in India
+(believe it or not, I have friends in some good institutes :) ). May be I can write more regularly 
+for malayal.am. I missed two races while I was not well. I could try to report the rest and publish. 
 Get a name of being the first exclusive malayalee formula 1 reviewer. There is always options and 
-all these are ones I pursue right now. 
-
-Things can change, new ideas will come up. The choice or the idea or changing life according to 
-what comes up next usually doesn't bring much cheers to anyone. Everyone wants to keep status quo. 
-But world doesn't do that, systems are just adapting to emulate status quo. So, from what I see, 
-there is not much chaos in breaking status quos. It is bound to happen. Life changing experience is 
-a word everyone usually uses. I just think its a myth. Life always changes, you don't live the same 
-one for long. You can't. Small things might be same (like your favourite breakfast or time to wake up) 
+all these are the ones I pursue right now. 
+
+Things can change. New ideas will come up. The choice or the idea of changing life according to 
+what comes up next usually doesn't bring much joy to anyone. Everyone wants to keep status quo. 
+But the world doesn't do that. Systems are just adapting to emulate status quo. So, from what I see, 
+there is not much chaos in breaking status quos. It is bound to happen. ``Life changing experience'' is 
+a phrase everyone usually uses. I think it is just a myth. Life always changes, you don't live the same 
+one for long. You can't. Small things might be the same (like your favourite breakfast or time to wake up) 
 but you don't get a sudden outlook on life on a single day. It happens over a period of time. How you
-realize it doesn't represent how it was changed. Its just similar to what is called, you don't see 
-the whole picture. You can't realize something in a single moment, you will apply all your apriori 
-before doing that. Interestingly that does play the greater part in understanding than anything 
-else. But people like to believe, you got realizations on the moment :) May be, it gives us a kind 
-of relief that life is taking sudden turn. Life doesn't do that, it just appears like a sudden turn. 
+realize it doesn't represent how it was changed. It is just similar to what is called, ``you don't see 
+the whole picture''. You can't realize something in a single moment, you will apply all your apriori 
+before doing that. Interestingly, that does play the greater part in understanding, than anything 
+else. But people like to believe that they get realizations on the moment :) May be that is because it gives us a kind 
+of relief that life is taking sudden turns. Life doesn't do that, it just appears like a sudden turn. 
 Nothing is sudden, it is just that our views are skewed.
 
 \newpage